Friday, September 11, 2009

Be careful what you ask for...who says silence is golden?

I've been ignoring my feelings about a situation in the "situation room" of my life. I thought it would subside and retreat quietly into some corner so I wouldn't have to deal with it, at least actively, ever again. It seems I have miscalculated, misstepped, and misconstrued something because the issue is back. There's wisdom in the idea that if you don't resolve a problem, it will keep coming back in a different form until you do.

In order to lay the foundation, I should start from the beginning and in that discourse explain this post's title. In 2008, I felt like I had everything - all my dreams were being fulfilled one by one, I had a glamorous job, great family, and terrific friends but I was missing one thing, a relationship, and more importantly, in my 27 years, I had never fallen in love. I've always loved in relationships but that was just my nature, I am a loving caring spirit. I always wanted to feel that euphoria of falling in love, I saw my closest friends fall in and out of love and the former seemed so amazing, I just wanted to try it, once. I never fathomed that falling out of love would happen like a boulder falling from the sky and land hard.

I firmly believe that HE knows the desires of my heart...Psalm 139:1-2, "Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from a far." So I placed falling love on my heart and I fell in love. It was the most amazing emotional ride of my life and then it left my life like a comet shooting across the sky and burning out somewhere between here and Mars. My heart ached and felt like someone held it tightly while it swelled. The experience made clear the things I needed to work on to make me a better person-- it exposed the holes in my interior that need to be fixed...with conscious effort and diligence. So essentially, be careful what you ask just might get it. :)

I thought I could handle this issue in silence, place it under my pillow like I was waiting for the pain fairy to take it away in the middle of the night but I realize that like a wound, it should be exposed to "air" in order to heal properly. I have found my gold in the gradual healing of my spirit, the soothing of my soul; not the dark silence of festering.

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing" (Proverbs 18:22)


Recently, I have been hyper reflective and willing to talk to anyone about anything. It's possible that this mountain air has opened my mind...while the water has literally ruined my skin! Maybe it's from the hours upon hours of reading in complete silence with only a bottomless cup of tea, 150 bulb, and candle to keep me company into the wee hours of the morning or maybe it's because I have entered another phase in my life- physically, emotionally, and spiritually or maybe it's just all of those things rolled up into a 5'1'' driven, intelligent, super adorable, fun loving, sensitive, loving yet flawed package called, Courtney Nicole. :)